The visceral, often suffocating experience of a crush is a universal human condition, but few writers capture its specific, feverish interiority with as much precision as Polly Barton. In her debut novel, What Am I, a Deer?, Barton transforms the quiet agony of shyness and the loud desperation of desire into a sophisticated exploration of the human psyche.
The story follows an unnamed young woman who relocates from London to Frankfurt, taking a position translating Japanese for a prominent gaming company. Although the move is intended as a catalyst for radical self-reinvention, the protagonist finds herself trapped in a familiar cycle of self-consciousness. She has long harbored the feeling that she is not a “proper girl”—someone who lacks the innate social grace required to move easily through the world.
This fragile state of existence is shattered when a fleeting interaction with a colleague sparks an all-consuming obsession. What begins as a simple infatuation quickly spirals into a state of limerence, providing the emotional engine for a novel that is as much about the architecture of longing as It’s about the struggle for self-actualization.
As an editor who has spent over 15 years documenting the intersection of celebrity culture and public persona, I find Barton’s focus on the “unseen” self particularly compelling. What Am I, a Deer? does not merely describe a crush; it maps the psychological geography of a woman trying to find her voice in a foreign city, using the lens of music and language to navigate her own isolation.
The Psychology of Limerence and the ‘Umbrella Man’
At the heart of the novel is the concept of limerence—a state of involuntary obsession with another person that differs fundamentally from romantic love. Barton explores this through the protagonist’s fixation on a colleague, whom she refers to simply as the “umbrella man.” By leaving the primary characters unnamed, Barton strips away the distractions of identity, forcing the reader to focus entirely on the raw, emotional current of the obsession.
The novel asks a critical question: is it possible to achieve self-actualization while in the grip of such an all-consuming experience? The protagonist’s journey is not one of traditional romantic conquest, but rather a struggle to reconcile her internal world with the external reality of her life in Frankfurt. The “umbrella man” serves less as a partner and more as a mirror, reflecting the protagonist’s own insecurities and her desperate need to be seen and understood.
Barton’s prose captures the “offbeat wit” and “disarming candour” of a narrator who is painfully aware of her own absurdity. The tension between her intellectual capabilities as a translator and her emotional paralysis in social settings creates a poignant friction that drives the narrative forward.
Translation, Identity, and the Outsider Perspective
Polly Barton is perhaps most recognized in the literary world for her work as a translator, notably bringing Asako Yuzuki’s bestseller Butter into English. This professional expertise informs the extremely DNA of What Am I, a Deer?. The act of translation—moving meaning from one language to another—serves as a metaphor for the protagonist’s attempt to translate herself into a version of a person she believes the world accepts.
The narrator’s job translating Japanese for a games company in Germany adds a layer of cultural displacement. She is an English speaker, working in Germany, dealing with Japanese text. This triple-layer of linguistic mediation underscores her status as a perpetual outsider. Her struggle to feel like a “real person” is inextricably linked to her role as a bridge between cultures, always facilitating communication for others while remaining unable to communicate her own deepest needs.
Barton seamlessly weaves elements of musicology, aesthetics, and linguistic theory into the narrative. This intellectual rigor prevents the story from becoming a standard romance, elevating it instead into a study of how we use academic and artistic frameworks to shield ourselves from the vulnerability of direct human connection.
The Devotional Catharsis of Karaoke
One of the most striking elements of the novel is the role of music, specifically the “devotional catharsis” found in karaoke. The book opens with a bold epigraph from the 2003 single “Scandalous” by the R&B trio Mis-Teeq: “You realize you wanna sing with us (baby). That’s why you know you should be scared of us (baby).” This choice signals the book’s preoccupation with the tension between fear and the desire to be heard.
Karaoke emerges as the only space where the protagonist can momentarily shed her paralyzing self-consciousness. The novel flashes back to a pivotal moment when the narrator was 12 years old, performing Céline Dion at a school event. This memory represents a window of “reckless sincerity”—a time before the exquisite self-consciousness of adulthood took hold.
In the present day, the act of belting out a pop song becomes a form of survival. In the neon-lit anonymity of a karaoke bar, the protagonist can inhabit a persona that is bold, desired, and powerful. It is a temporary liberation from the “feverish interiority” that defines her daily life. Barton suggests that the secret to navigating the crushing weight of obsession and shyness is to “sing anyway,” embracing the imperfection of the performance as a step toward authenticity.
A Bold Debut from Fitzcarraldo Editions
Published by Fitzcarraldo Editions, a publisher known for its commitment to challenging and avant-garde literature, What Am I, a Deer? fits perfectly within a catalog that prizes intellectual depth and formal experimentation. The novel avoids the clichés of the “woman abroad” trope, opting instead for a psychological deep-dive that feels both intimate and universal.
Barton’s transition from nonfiction—having authored Fifty Sounds and Porn: An Oral History—to book-length fiction is seamless. She brings the researcher’s eye for detail and the translator’s ear for cadence to the narrative, resulting in a work that is as intellectually stimulating as it is emotionally resonant.
For readers who have ever felt like an observer in their own lives, or who have experienced the dizzying heights and lows of a one-sided obsession, this novel offers a profound sense of validation. It acknowledges the pain of shyness not as a flaw to be cured, but as a complex state of being that can, under the right circumstances, lead to a deeper understanding of the self.
The novel concludes not with a tidy romantic resolution, but with a more honest exploration of resilience. It leaves the reader reflecting on the ways we all perform our identities and the bravery required to be truly seen, even if that visibility comes through the distorted lens of a karaoke machine.
As Polly Barton continues to establish herself as one of the UK’s most exciting writers, What Am I, a Deer? stands as a testament to the power of the “outsider” perspective. It is a brilliantly considered piece of work that finds the extraordinary within the ordinary ache of longing.
Readers interested in the novel can find more information and purchase options via the official Fitzcarraldo Editions website.
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