Deciding whether or not to have children is one of the most profound dilemmas an individual can face, often compounded by the pressure to find a singular, internal “truth.” For many, the process of introspection—ruminating on personal desires, childhood experiences, or potential future regrets—can lead to a state of prolonged indecision. Rather than searching for a hidden answer within, some frameworks suggest that the question of parenthood is better approached as an existential choice, rooted in the values one holds today and the life one wishes to create.
The common assumption that the answer to parenthood is a stable, latent fact waiting to be discovered is challenged by the reality that personal circumstances and perspectives evolve. Philosophers like L.A. Paul have noted that the experience of parenthood is transformative; one cannot fully grasp the reality of the role until they are in it, and the process itself alters the individual, making it difficult to rely solely on current preferences to predict future satisfaction.
Moving Beyond Internal Introspection
When individuals attempt to decide based on a cost-benefit analysis of their own future happiness, they often encounter the limits of their own imagination. The fear of being childless at age 70, for instance, is a common concern that centers on personal outcome. However, relying on this fear as a primary motivator can be problematic. Experts suggest shifting the gaze outward: instead of asking “Will a child make me happy?”, one might ask “What do I find intrinsically valuable about being in the world?”
This approach treats the decision as an existential exercise in “autofabrication,” a term associated with Spanish philosopher Jose Ortega y Gasset, suggesting that the central task of being human is the active creation of one’s own meaning. By identifying core values—such as creativity, connection, or the simple “delight of being”—an individual can evaluate whether parenthood is a compelling way to enact those values, or if other paths, such as deep friendships or professional pursuits, might serve as equally valid expressions of those same priorities.
Evaluating the Role of Values
For those who feel that having children is a way to pass on their values, it is important to acknowledge that there is no guarantee a child will adopt them. Parental duty often involves allowing a child to develop their own identity, which may diverge from the parent’s beliefs. Anastasia Berg and Rachel Wiseman, in their book What Are Children For?, argue that the parent-child relationship, while unique, is often characterized by a simplicity and familiarity that mirrors other forms of human love, rather than being an entirely exotic or unimaginable experience.
This perspective offers a potential release from the “fear of missing out” on a unique, unparalleled experience. If the primary motivation for parenthood is the desire for connection in later life, it is worth considering whether that need can be met through alternative social structures. As documented by Rhaina Cohen in The Other Significant Others, many people find that deep, platonic friendships can provide a profound sense of connection that leaves no “child-shaped hole” in their lives.
The Existential Choice
Ultimately, the decision to have children may be less about finding a pre-existing answer and more about choosing who you want to be. The philosopher Agnes Callard has discussed the concept of “aspiration” in decision-making, where individuals strive for self-transformation by leaning into the values they hope to possess. Rather than waiting for certainty, this framework suggests that making a choice aligned with one’s current, stable values provides a solid foundation for the future, regardless of how one might feel about the outcome later.
While the climate crisis and other global concerns often influence the decision, some perspectives suggest that these challenges can actually serve as a catalyst for action, framing the choice to have children as a commitment to participating in the future of the world. As the Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard famously proposed, life is understood backward but must be lived forward. The goal is not to control every possible outcome, but to live in a way that remains consistent with one’s most deeply held principles.
As of June 2026, the ongoing discourse regarding parenthood continues to emphasize the validity of diverse life paths. Whether one chooses to pursue parenthood as a way to affirm life or finds meaning through other significant relationships and pursuits, the focus remains on personal agency and the intentional creation of a meaningful life. We invite readers to share their own perspectives on how they navigate these significant life decisions in the comments section below.