Why I Stopped Faking a Close Relationship With My Mom on Mother’s Day

For millions, the second Sunday in May is a curated celebration of maternal devotion. Social media feeds overflow with nostalgic photographs, heartfelt captions, and glowing tributes to the women who served as “safe spaces” and “solid ground.” Yet, beneath this glossy veneer of digital gratitude lies a quieter, more painful reality for those whose relationships with their mothers are defined by distance, dysfunction, or a profound lack of emotional intimacy.

The pressure to perform “closeness” during Mother’s Day can be an isolating experience, often forcing adults to maintain a facade of harmony to appease family members or satisfy societal expectations. This performative bond frequently masks a deep-seated grief—not for a loss of life, but for the loss of the relationship one deserved to have.

Ashley Oerman, a health and wellness journalist and the deputy editor at Wondermind, has spent years navigating this dichotomy. In her personal account of breaking the cycle of pretense, Oerman describes a lifetime of attempting to forge a connection that was never reciprocated, eventually leading to a pivotal decision to stop faking a close relationship with her mother during the holiday season.

Oerman’s journey is detailed in her book, “Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life,” where she explores the pervasive nature of maternal dysfunction and the psychological toll of grieving a living parent.

The Performance of the “Perfect” Maternal Bond

For many adults with strained parental ties, the lead-up to Mother’s Day is characterized by a conflict between internal truth and external projection. Oerman notes that until her early 30s, she participated in this ritual, sending cards and posting Instagram photos that suggested she and her mother were “buds.” These actions were designed to fit into the broader cultural narrative of the holiday, which often frames mothers as endlessly supportive figures who sacrifice everything for their children.

However, the reality of Oerman’s relationship was surface-level. While they maintained weekly phone calls, the conversations were largely one-sided. Oerman describes these interactions as “catch-ups” where her mother would provide detailed recaps of her gym friends, her cats’ schedules, and complaints about coworkers, only to ask a cursory question about Oerman’s work before the call ended. There were no follow-up questions and no genuine curiosity about her daughter’s life.

This experience reflects a common pattern in emotionally unavailable parenting, where the parent may be highly social with strangers or acquaintances but remains incapable of providing the nurturing, focused attention required for a deep parent-child bond. Oerman recalls how her mother would often prioritize chatting with strangers during visits, sometimes telling a stranger Oerman’s own life story while the two of them walked home in silence.

Recognizing Emotional Neglect and the “Mother Wound”

The struggle to reconcile a disappointing reality with a societal ideal often leads to feelings of personal failure. Oerman admits that comparing her dynamic to those of her friends made her feel “defective,” leading her to create excuses for her mother’s behavior, labeling her as simply “eccentric” or “not the nurturing type.”

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Psychologically, this often manifests as a “mother wound”—a term used to describe the emotional pain resulting from a mother’s inability to provide the necessary emotional support, validation, or security during a child’s development. This void can lead to a lifelong search for validation and a tendency to “take the bait” by trying various strategies to elicit a response from the parent, such as being more open about personal struggles or attempting to bond through shared activities.

For Oerman, the realization of this dysfunction came through therapy in her late 20s. The intervention of an objective mental health professional allowed her to see that her interactions were “messed up,” transforming her perspective from one of self-blame to one of clarity. This validation is often a critical step for those in dysfunctional dynamics, as it separates the child’s worth from the parent’s capacity to love.

Breaking the Cycle: The Decision to Stop Pretending

The transition from conflict avoidance to boundary setting is rarely seamless. Oerman describes a decade of avoiding conflict before finally confronting her mother about her lack of interest and care. The result was a dismissal; when Oerman broke down over the phone, her mother apologized that she was “hurt” and immediately changed the subject.

This lack of resolution eventually led Oerman to pull back from the relationship entirely in June 2023. The subsequent Mother’s Days became exercises in self-preservation rather than celebration. Oerman’s strategy involved avoiding social media, journaling, and allowing herself to feel the depression and grief associated with the day.

A significant challenge in this process is the influence of other family members. Oerman recounts receiving a text from her father claiming her mother was “hurting” and urging her to send a message. This highlights a common dynamic in dysfunctional families: the “peacekeeper” who encourages the injured party to sacrifice their boundaries to maintain a facade of family unity.

Oerman chose to prioritize her own emotional health over the comfort of her parents, informing her father that the holiday was difficult for her as well. By refusing to send a text that would signal the relationship was “fine,” she validated her own experiences and protected her mental progress.

Healing Through Acceptance and Informed Boundaries

Healing from a dysfunctional maternal relationship does not always result in full reconciliation or total estrangement. For some, the goal is “informed decision-making”—accepting who the parent is rather than grieving who they can never be.

Oerman continues to see her mother at holidays and family gatherings, but she has ceased the performance of closeness. Her current boundary consists of a hug and a declaration of love, stating that this is “all I can manage for the foreseeable future.”

For those experiencing similar struggles, mental health experts often suggest several coping mechanisms for high-pressure holidays:

• Digital Detox: Avoiding social media to reduce the impact of “comparison traps” and the curated imagery of perfect families.
• Planned Self-Care: Scheduling specific activities—such as reading, journaling, or spending time with “chosen family”—to navigate the emotional dip of the day.
• Validation via Therapy: Working with a professional to decouple personal self-worth from parental approval.
• Honest Communication: If safe, having a transparent conversation about the relationship’s shortcomings rather than maintaining a surface-level lie.

By honoring true feelings instead of faking closeness to appease others, individuals can move from a state of feeling “defective” to a state of empowerment. The act of choosing oneself over a dysfunctional legacy is often the first step toward genuine emotional recovery.

As the conversation around mental health and family boundaries continues to evolve, more people are finding permission to redefine what “family” looks like and how they choose to commemorate—or ignore—traditions that no longer serve their well-being.

For those seeking further guidance on navigating toxic family dynamics, resources are available through the Psychology Today directory to find licensed therapists specializing in family trauma and estrangement.

World Today Journal will continue to monitor emerging trends in mental health and family dynamics. We invite our readers to share their experiences with boundary-setting and holiday navigation in the comments below.