#Misha #afraid #left #reason #rejection
Insecurity
If only I could think that to myself. As a woman of the world – or at least of the Netherlands – I have to admit that I find it terrifying to approach a man. How awful. I know it can only go one of two ways; either there is a click and something pleasant follows, or he kindly thanks him and we both go our separate ways. It doesn’t sound that scary when I put it like that.
My problem is not actually with the rejection itself, but with what happens afterwards. When I feel blue, possible explanations race through my head. It’s my attitude, it’s my personality, no, it’s my weight. The latter in particular is difficult to dismiss.
In recent years I have been honest about my struggles with accepting my “new” shape. I think it is clear that I still do not feel completely comfortable in my own body. I dare say that it is currently my biggest insecurity. It is therefore not surprising that my thoughts immediately go there when I am rejected.
Ouch, blue
A few months ago I texted with a boy I had known for a while. We agreed to go for a drink, but due to circumstances it was canceled at the last minute. Raincheckwas his question. About three weeks passed and we hadn’t agreed on anything new when I came across him in the wild.
We greeted each other and then went our separate ways. There was no further message, none raincheckappointment, nothing at all. What had happened in the meantime? I had no idea. The only thing I could think of was that he had seen me (read: my body) and had changed his mind about our meeting.
I know, I know it doesn’t make sense. At this moment I fill in for someone else what he thinks. It’s a nasty habit that I really need to break, but the fact that I was rejected – is that really the case? not sure – immediately shakes my self-confidence and quickly pulls my biggest insecurity out of the hole I put it in. All positivity, softness and self-love are nowhere to be found at such a moment.
Self-love
I dare not say whether my body was actually the reason that that guy never heard from him again. Maybe he realized at that moment that we weren’t a match after all, maybe he wasn’t thinking about meeting up or maybe there was nothing wrong at all.
What I do know is that I can lie to myself so many times that I have turned my insecurity into something beautiful. But when it comes down to it, I don’t know where to get that energy from. It is a painful realization, but one that will help me further. I know that for sure.
PS Maybe it was my personality that was a huge turn off. Just kidding, I’m fantastic. And you too. Don’t let rejection drive you crazy, not from someone else and certainly not from yourself.
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